Copyright 2000 by Cordell Vail
Constantly I read the goals that people have set and failed to accomplish. As I read them I ask myself why, why is this person not reaching the goals they have set? It disturbs me when I read in the literature that 85% of all the people who set goals are failing to accomplish those goals? WHY?
I think a big part of that comes from incongruence. I am not sure that is even a word. It is not in my spell checker. But it definitely is a principle of life. What do I mean by incongruence? I mean driving the car with one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the break.
Let me give you an example. I know someone who had a very bad marriage. So bad she actually annulled the wedding one week after she was married. A very, very bad situation. She then waited for quite some time before even considering marriage again. Then finally at about age 35 she married again. She was very in love with the second man. When she was 9 months pregnant he died of a stroke. Now she was twice heart broken.
What was she to do. She was very in love with a husband that was now gone forever. She did not want a new husband. After a while, other men were attracted to her and let their intentions be known. She was very attractive, but she did not want another man. She loved the one that was dead. So she started to gain weight so men would not look at her. She did a right fine job of that. She told me at that time, that she was gaining weight on purpose so men would not look at her.
Now, many years later she is trying to loose weight. She has tried every diet you can imagine. But she just can not loose weight. When I read her goals and ask her about the weight loss she says she just can not understand why it was not working. I inquired about our conversation from years before as to why she started gaining weight. She honestly does not remember now ever saying that to me. But I remember. And I believe her subconscious mind remembers.
So there is an incongruent situation. A woman who subconsciously does not want men looking at her because of some past experience, so she gains weight. Now wants to loose weigh but just can not. She does not consciously think about not wanting men to look at her, however her subconscious mind is remembering why she is over weight and is not letting her body be thin. She has one foot on the gas and one foot on the break.
That is just one example. I am sure now you understand what incongurence is you can think of many other examples. For example someone who wants to learn to ride a horse but just can not go do it. Then they find out a horse stepped on them when they were little. Someone may want to study and do their best at school but they keep getting bad grades. Then realize that when they were young, friends kept telling them that you were stupid. Many times a person will join an MLM networking business wanting to get rich quick, and yet they have always been a very shy person. They are encouraged to set goals to find people but what ever they try, it just does not work for them. They just can not do it. WHY? Incongruence in their life. Your self image is always stronger that your will power. Physical things pulling back with emotional things pulling ahead.
How can you overcome this incongruence in your life if it is there? Well, in relation to goal setting, you have to look at the kinds of goals you are setting. A shy person can learn to not be shy if they make an effort to do it, but not by becoming a salesman.
If you read your goals you will probably find that about 60% of them are TO GET goals (cars, houses, money). Another 30% will be TO DO goals (travel, education, talents to acquire) and only 10% will be TO BE goals (better husband, harder worker, more honest, better self control, good at public speaking). That is just upside down. That mix, in a set of goals, will almost certainly bring incongruance in your life.
If you have a goal to drive a big fancy new car that costs $80,000 to buy and all your life you have been poor and would be embarrassed to even ride in that car when your close friends see you, you have an incongruance problem. You have a TO GET goal, however you do not have the TO BE goals that would be necessary to help you gain the self image to accomplish it.
If you have grown up poor all your life and you now want to be rich, you need to set some TO BE goals related to self esteem. You need to set goals that build up your self worth. Accomplish those goals first, then have as the end result, a reward that is a TO GET or TO DO goal. Then the overall accomplishment of the goals will be more reasonable.
TO BE goals are goals that help you improve WHAT YOU ARE and WHO YOU ARE. If you will show me how much time you spend every day on self improvement I can tell you quite accurately what you will be in 5 years. How much you work on TO BE goals is how much you will have the power to change your present circumstances. All the TO GET goals in the world will not likely help you be a better, more capable person.
So when you are finding that your goals are just not working for you, take a look at the balance between TO GET, TO DO and TO BE. 60% of your goals should be TO BE goals, 30% TO DO goals and only 10% TO GET goals. If one of your TO GET goals is to be a millionaire in 5 years you don't have to worry much about any of the other TO GET goals now do you. But to be a millionaire in 5 years you have to have self esteem. You have to believe in yourself. You have to be organized. You have to have ambition. You have to have self reliance and dependability. You have to be able to work with out a boss or a time clock. Those are TO BE goals. When you get these three kinds of goals all lined up in the right proportion, the making of money will come easy for you because your life will be congruent.
TO BE OR NOT TO BE THAT IS THE QUESTION.
I wonder if Shakespeare was trying to send us a goal setting message clear back then? When we do not do things in our life with congruence, we find ourselves not wanting to start, or not able to finish, wanting to do something else, depressed or incapable of accomplishment. If we truly want the things different in our lives, we have to start with changing our TO BE goals. If we do not want to change the TO BE things that make us incongruent, then we need to change our TO GET goals to something else that is congruent with what we are now.
Your millionaire making friend
Cordell Vail, W.B.
The only limit to your achievement lies with in your own mind
Cordell Vail, W.B.